I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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