Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
