I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
