Screwed.edu
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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