Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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