I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
