awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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