If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
