Ketchup is God's man juice
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
