Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
