my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
