Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
