I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
