Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize