ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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