I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
