She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
