i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just high enough for therapy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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