You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
