Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
