Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
