I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
