Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
