I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
