It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
