hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
