Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
