Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
