i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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