Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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