My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His nipple licking is glorious
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