I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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