I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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