Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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