Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you would pick up someone in the library
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
