so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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