I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
