Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Randomize
