At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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