my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
