I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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