so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize