He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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