im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
