he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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