if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
