I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
