I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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