the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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