From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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