If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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