just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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