I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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