i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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