i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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