Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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