Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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