in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
